Comics and posts about computers | Johnny the Mediocre Human

STU and blackmail

STU: Johnny! How are you? You have new mail! How about some solitaire? JOHNNY: Mmm... STU: Long day? JOHNNY: Mmm... STU: Long week? JOHNNY: Mmm... STU: I could also call up swimsuit.photos.com/nude/ again? I saved that password... JOHNNY: I thought we deleted all record of that afternoon?! STU: I know you dd! I've got three gigs of the D: drive devoted just to blackmail!

New STU

JOHNNY: STU! YOU haven't changed! At least YOU'RE still here to provide your smart yet naive spin on things! STU: No, Johnny. They replaced my artificial intelligence with various Disney greeting card programs. JOHNNY: So you can't say ANYTHING funny or quaint?! STU: Not unless it involves the words: "Mulan", "Simba", or "Happy Anniversary", no... JOHNNY: No, how could THAT ever be funny? LABEL: Hey kids, it's ironic. Or IS it?

STU and morals

STU: Sir, how does one obtain MORALS? JOHNNY: Well, STU, it's partly from upbringing, but a lot of it's from instinct. STU: And would you say morality's a distinctively HUMAN quality? JOHNNY: Oh, I'd say so. STU: So, as a COMPUTER, I could really have no concept of "right" or "wrong". JOHNNY: No, I guess not. STU: And would you sign a written statement to that effect? JOHNNY: WHAT? Why- are these NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES? BAD STU!! BAD STU!! SOUND: sniff

Bankrupt

BEN: Well, I heard e-WebNET.com went down the crapper. JOHNNY: Yeah, we filed for bankruptcy this morning. BEN: Well, you can't get something from nothing. I hope you learned a LESSON. JOHNNY: Not really, I got a papercut filling out the forms. The government's giving me $30,000 in punitive damages. JOHNNY: Unless the lesson was: "Every papercut has a silver lining." BEN: You ask me why I smoke. THIS is why I smoke.

Investor on the phone

JOHNNY: STU! It's an INVESTOR on the phone! He wants to know exactly what e-WebNET.com DOES! STU: HEAVENS! He's calling our bluff! Go to Plan "A": CONFUSE THEM! JOHNNY: Um, yes, WELL... uh, JAVA, and... ah, you know, um, PARALLEL PROCESSING... uh, INTEGRATED network based, uh, PAPERLESS OFFICE... and, uh, DVD! JOHNNY: It's not working! He knew what DVD stood for! STU: A net company's worst nightmare: AN INFORMED LAYMAN! Quickly! Start speaking in "1"'s and "0"'s!

The web company’s a sham

BEN: Johnny, STU just told me about this web "company" you've started, it sounds like a SHAM! JOHNNY: Ben, Internet companies are all based on POTENTIAL. Sure, e-WebNET.com SEEMS vague now, but think of the FUTURE! BEN: The FUTURE!? Do you have ANY plans to have this company ever do ANYTHING tangible? JOHNNY: Well... NO. But POTENTIALLY I could. BEN: POTENTIALLY, you're the biggest moron Iknow... And I have friends at Carolina.

Johnny’s a CEO

STU: Sir, I'll be happy to run e-WebNET.com behind the scenes, but we'll need some humans to publicly represent us. STU: Do YOU have any business experience? JOHNNY: UM, I got a "C" in ECON 51. STU: Congrats, you're the new CEO. JOHNNY: Hey, I FAILED ethics, can I be our LEGAL representation too? SOUND: sniff

e-WebNET.com

STU: Johnny, sir, I don't think I've been pulling my weight around here financially. STU: So, in my spare time last week, I created an Internet-based company: e-WebNET.com STU: We've attracted a lot of interest, even though we've yet to provide any service or produce any product, and as of 8:00 AM today... STU: We went public. JOHNNY: WELL... this oughtta look good on the resume.

Scheduling program

JEN: Try reducing the allotted lunch time by 15 minutes. BEN: Whatcha got STU doin', Jen? STU: Yes, Mrs. Sir... JEN: I'm running a scheduling program to find the optimum usage of my time... JEN: I've narrowed it down to the ten most efficient. BEN: Jen, none of these have time scheduled for sleep! JEN: Oh, no, I cut out sleep and non-exercise-based fun in the first round.

CyberWilliam’s sick

JOHNNY: Besides this wordy and poorly developed storyline, what's going on with you, WILLIAM? WILLIAM: WELL, I've been a bit SICK lately. JOHNNY: OH, like a computer virus? WILLIAM: Well, not EXACTLY, no. WILLIAM: It's computer jock itch. JOHNNY: You know, it's all about suppression. WILLIAM: I don't even know where my jock IS, anymore!