Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

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#399. Bought by Disney

April 9, 1999

JOHNNY: So it's Disney, Ben, DISNEY. I can't believe what they've turned this strip into.

BEN: I dunno, Johnny, before the changes: I had a GIRL, a cool HAIRDO, the world was my oyster. But I was always DEPRESSED.

BEN: But NOT, they've fired Jen, my life is a SHAMBLES, and yet... my DEPRESSION is... gone.

BEN: I think unhappiness... makes me happy.
JOHNNY: WOW. Some lucky psych major's gonna get a master's thesis outta you...

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#398. Happy Nick and Mo

April 8, 1999

JOHNNY: Mo! Nick! Why do you guys look so DAMN happy?
MO: We're not really happy, Johnny. It's the management.

MO: They strapped these things to our heads to make us look CUTER, said we'd be more marketable.
NICK: And they rubbed raw eggs on me to make my fur shiny.

JOHNNY: WAIT. Cute, furry animals? Cleancut, marketable characters? Oh, my GOD!

JOHNNY: We've been bought by DISNEY!
NICK: Johnny, you got any VISINE? I haven't blinked in 74 hours...

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#397. Ben’s new look

April 7, 1999

JOHNNY: Ben! Your hair! Your goatee! What happened!
BEN: The new management gave me a "new look". I can't smoke now either...

JOHNNY: What's with these people?! They're changing this whole strip!
BEN: They gave me these "patches" insTEAD.

JOHNNY: Ohmigod, Ben, doncha see what's happening?!
SOUND: click

JOHNNY: The plot it's THICKENING!
BEN: How'm I supposed to light these?

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#396. No punchline

April 6, 1999

BEN: Hey, where's Jen, we're supposed to do the cartoon together today.
JOHNNY: Didn't you hear? The new owners, they fired her.

JOHNNY: The whole strip was bought out by some big corporation. They're overhauling the whole thing. They've even suspended all punchlines till they've made their changes.

BEN: How can you have a cartoon with no PUNCHLINE?

A pause

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#395. Staying superficial

April 5, 1999

JAY: Fratman, you and Sorority Girl seem to have a stable relationship. How do you do it?

FRATMAN: The KEY, Jay, is staying SUPERFICIAL. Our relationship is based mainly on looks and social standing.

FRATMAN: We never get to know each other well, so we avoid any messy personality conflicts.

JAY: I guess... your shallowness... runs DEEP.
FRATMAN: Deeper than the deepest keg of Beast Lite.

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