Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Storyline

Saving Private Ryan

Johnny and Ben cross Wannamaker, a war zone, to deliver one permission number to one student named Ryan.

5 comicsFrom the beginning Most popular

#279. Saving Ryan’s permission number

September 28, 1998

JOHNNY: WHOA! Where are YOU going?
BEN: To Wannamaker. I promised a soc. professor I'd deliver a permission number.

JOHNNY: Dammit, Ben! It's like WWII in there! Bombs exploding left and right! And I hear KA may have nuclear capability!

BEN: But if I suck up to this prof., I may get into the class, too! I could DROP MTH 103! It's my ticket out of HELL!

JOHNNY: Fine, but put this on. Say, what's this guy's name we're SAVING?
BEN: I dunno. It's marked "PRIVATE". But I think it's RYAN.

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#280. Risking our lives

September 29, 1998

BEN: So what's this Ryan's story?
JOHNNY: He's signed up for orgo.

BEN: Last semester, 3 of his brothers failed orgo and transferred to UNC.
JOHNNY: His poor MOTHER!

BEN: Duke doesn't want to send another "F" home to Mrs. Ryan.
JOHNNY: We're risking our necks for ONE MAN'S (academic) LIFE!

BEN: Then we fight Nazi raptors in the temple of doom! Or the 3rd kind!
JOHNNY: No, dude, you're mixing yer Spielbergs!

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#281. Worst thing about war

September 30, 1998

BEN: KA is looking to flank our advance, so we move our 3rd division (being you with a pointed stick) northward to "parlay their ballyhoo" (meaning "poke them a lot")

BEN: But now, now we WAIT. Ah, this infernal WAITING! It's the worst thing about this CURSED war!

SOUND: twiddle twiddle

BEN: Well, death and destruction are a close second and third.
JOHNNY: In MY opinion, chafing's up there, too.

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#282. Ben’s hit

October 1, 1998

BEN: Before the war started, I was a T.A., but in Wannamaker, everyone thinks that's STRANGE, I-

BEN: AAA! I've been HIT! They got me, man! Tell my kids I LOVED 'EM!

JOHNNY: Ben... Ben, that was just a PAINTBALL, you're FINE.

BEN: NO! NO! LOOK! There's the WOUND!
JOHNNY: That's your NIPPLE, you TOOL. Now get up... and you don't have any DAMN kids either....

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#283. Credits

October 2, 1998

BEN: WE MADE IT! We're at Ryan's door, this wretched journey is over.
JOHNNY: I now realize the horror of war and stuff.

BEN: Ryan?
MATT DAMON: Yes?
BEN: Congratulations, you're out of orgo, son.
MATT DAMON: Oh! COOL, thanks.

CREDITS: "Johnny and Ben Save Private Ryan" - A Porter Mason Film. Cast - Captain Miller: Ben Romero; Private Reiben: John Williams; Private Ryan: Matt Damon; Pika Bench: Pika Bench. Best Boy Grip - Monica Lewinsky. Lighting - God. Lead Singer of Weezer - Rivers Cuomo.

BEN: "COOL, THANKS"?! That's IT?! In a weird, abstract way I almost DIED for you, MAN!!
JOHNNY: I bet that Damon won't come to the cast party, either. Pretty boy...

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