Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

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#19. How to solve algebra problems

March 15, 1994

The All NEW (Occasionally Sans Title) Adventures of

Johnny, the Mediocre Sophomore

Cut out & save!

NARRATOR: STEP 1: Stare at the problem for 5-10 minutes. Try to look like you're thinking hard, but don't actually think or your brain may explode. (Really. I've seen it happen. Very messy.)

NARRATOR: STEP 2: Cross out all the letters in the problem. They will only confuse you and, even worse, could lead to THINKING. (See Step 1)

NARRATOR: STEP 3: Add all remaining numbers together. Remember to use a calculator to avoid thinking. (Use the biggest one you can find. Remember, the bigger the calculator, the higher the grade.)
JOHNNY: So how do you turn it on?

NARRATOR: STEP 4: Go to the clinic until math class is over. Well, that's it, kids! Have fun and HAPPY ALGEBRATING!
JOHNNY: I'm dying. Look, my tongue is blue.
NURSE: Oh, I didn't realize Blow Pops were fatal.

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#18. Headphones

March 1, 1994

ENGLISH TEACHER: Don't think I don't see those headphones on you back there, Williams, you're supposed to be reading Macbeth!

JOHNNY: I, uh, I am, sir. It's an, uh, audio book! Yea, that's it! It's a, uh, book on tape!
ENGLISH TEACHER: I'll believe that when I hear it, hand it over, mister!

English teacher does a take.

ENGLISH TEACHER: I didn't realize PEARL JAM has been recording audio books these days...
JOHNNY: Huh, woops. Huh, huh, wrong tape, silly me....

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#17. Football practice

February 15, 1994

The All NEW (Better Than the Leading Prescription Strength) Adventures of

Johnny, the Mediocre Sophomore

ENGLISH TEACHER: So Hemingway was saying, oh, yes, Dobnowski?

DOBNOWSKI: Excuse me, sir, but may I be excused to go to football practice?
ENGLISH TEACHER: Go on, son.

JOHNNY: I need to go too, Mr. K.
ENGLISH TEACHER: Oh! I didn't realize you were on the football team, Johnny.

DOBNOWSKI: He's not, sir. We like to use him as a tackling dummy...
JOHNNY: Assistant in Charge of Physical Mutilation, I prefer...

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#16. Role models

February 1, 1994

The All NEW (Occasionally Topical) Adventures of

Johnny, the Mediocre Sophomore

ENGLISH TEACHER: Let's talk about role models. All right, anyone in here who has a role model, raise your hand...
Many hands are raised.

ENGLISH TEACHER: And no one say Beavis OR Butt-Head!
Hands are all down.
JOHNNY: But I thought you liked class participation!

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#15. Overhead pen

January 15, 1994

The All NEW (Doubled, Doubled, Toiled and Troubled) Adventures of

Johnny, the Mediocre Sophomore

ENGLISH TEACHER: And now we come to Shakespeare, who's famous for his classic plays.

ENGLISH TEACHER: Among his est were Hamlet, Macbeth, and the most famous of all, his classic romance, Romeo & Butthead.

English Teacher does a take.

ENGLISH TEACHER: Alright, who's the wiseguy with the overhead pen?

1 view Like

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