Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Narrator

21 comics feature this characterNewest first Most popular Oldest first

Popularity rank 16 #19. How to solve algebra problems

March 15, 1994

The All NEW (Occasionally Sans Title) Adventures of

Johnny, the Mediocre Sophomore

Cut out & save!

NARRATOR: STEP 1: Stare at the problem for 5-10 minutes. Try to look like you're thinking hard, but don't actually think or your brain may explode. (Really. I've seen it happen. Very messy.)

NARRATOR: STEP 2: Cross out all the letters in the problem. They will only confuse you and, even worse, could lead to THINKING. (See Step 1)

NARRATOR: STEP 3: Add all remaining numbers together. Remember to use a calculator to avoid thinking. (Use the biggest one you can find. Remember, the bigger the calculator, the higher the grade.)
JOHNNY: So how do you turn it on?

NARRATOR: STEP 4: Go to the clinic until math class is over. Well, that's it, kids! Have fun and HAPPY ALGEBRATING!
JOHNNY: I'm dying. Look, my tongue is blue.
NURSE: Oh, I didn't realize Blow Pops were fatal.

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Popularity rank 17 #377. Scandal

March 3, 1999

NARRATOR: With each day, a new scandal rocks Duke's student government.

NARRATOR: Voter fraud, campaign violations, accusations of libel, slander...

NARRATOR: And in the GPSC, power struggles leave a presidency in chaos.

NARRATOR: And through it all, the unassuming campus is thrown into turmoil.
JOHNNY: What's a 7-letter word for "indifference"?

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Popularity rank 18 #221. K-ville monitors and tent checks

February 24, 1998

MO NARRATOR: Tenters are timid creatures with no natural enemies save the sinister "line monitor" species.

MO NARRATOR: These serpent-like predators appear without warning in a flash of fiery brimstone and howl their booming battle roar.
LINE MONITOR: TENT CHECK!!

MO NARRATOR: Helpless tenters scurry for shelter to avoid the deadly strike of the monitor.
LINE MONITOR: Tent 23's out!
TENTER: Noooooo! I'm here! I'm here!

MO NARRATOR: Their only defense is a preemptive maneuver known in tenting circles as a "bribe".
JOHNNY: You saw me here at 3:00 am this morning.
LINE MONITOR: Hsssss... Certainly did...

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Popularity rank 19 #220. K-ville tenters

February 23, 1998

MO NARRATOR: The "Tenter", a majestic beast who in mid-January embarks on a severe migratory pattern.
TENTER: Go to hell Carolina.

MO NARRATOR: Armed with only an inborn ability to stand in line, these mammals boldly face the elements for six long weeks.
TENTER: Go to hell Carolina.
TENTER: Go to hell Carolina.
TENTER: Go to hell Carolina.

MO NARRATOR: Groups of roughly fifteen tenters, calles "flocks", congregate in small nylon encolsures called "tents".
TENTERS: Go to hell Carolina.
TENTER: Go to hell Carolina.

MO NARRATOR: The reason for this bizarre behavior is unknown, but may be linked to a strange digestive process involving pizza, mud, and mass quantities of Bud Light.
TENTER: Go to hell Carolina.

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Popularity rank 20 #209. Art class comment

February 6, 1998

JOHNNY: DON'T call on me, DON'T call on me, DON'T ca-
TEACHER: WILLIAMS, how would YOU describe this Van Gogh?

JOHNNY: UH, I, AH,... (GULP). How about... PLAYFULLY IRONIC?
NOTE: You own a mirror.

NARRATOR: A moment of nerve-wracking silence.

TEACHER: YES, excellent! NOW on to slide 47...
JOHNNY: I think I may have stumbled ONto something here...
NOTE: To be CONTINUED!

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