Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Narrator

21 comics feature this characterNewest first Most popular Oldest first

Popularity rank 6 #78. Spring break trip envy

March 13, 1997

NARRATOR: It occurs in mid-March.
RICH DUDE: ... so after we get back from the Bahamas, we have tickets to the NCAA's!

NARRATOR: A genuine psychological trauma.
RICH DUDE: What about you? What are YOU doing for break?

JOHNNY: Uh, I'm probably going to eat Fritos and watch "Love Boat" reruns all week...

NARRATOR: TRIP ENVY.
JOHNNY: I feel so inadequate!

1 view Like

Popularity rank 7 #70. Election time again

March 3, 1997

NARRATOR: Election time, again.
DSG GUY: Hey! Hold up!

DSG GUY: Will you vote for Matt Elbe for DSG Vice President of Cramped Housing? Um, he's dedicated, hard working, wears boxers, and never loses his keys.
JOHNNY: Uh, sure.

DSG GUY: Cool! How 'bout wearing a pin that says: "'Elbe' there for you"?
JOHNNY: Nah. Thanks but I think I'll...

JOHNNY: AUGH! THAT HURTS!
DSG GUY: Yeah, they stay better if you break skin...

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Popularity rank 8 #47. Meet Mo again

January 29, 1997

MO: Greetings riend, I am Guillermo Antonio Microchiroptera, but you, dear Chronicle patrons, you may call me "MO"...
LABEL: A bat.

MO: I reside up here in the chapel tower and will be joining you occasionally in this "strip" to, ah, partake in various hi-jinks and insert some of my witty comments.

NARRATOR: The narrator would like to note that the term "witty" is entirely relative.

MO: Hi-jinks aside, I will occasionally take time out to kick a little narrator ass...
NARRATOR: I'm just not a fan of dry humor, that's a... HEY! Pu.. put me DOWN! Hey! I have my right! I...

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Popularity rank 9 #45. Train of thought

January 27, 1997

NARRATOR: All aboard the train of thought...
JOHNNY: Look at all these people; sitting here thinking just like me...

NARRATOR: Pickin' up speed!
JOHNNY: What if we could see thoughts? It's just a series of electric impulses in the brain. I bet you could...

NARRATOR: What's this? Could it be a DISCOVERY? A REVELATION?
JOHNNY: WAIT!

NARRATOR: (sigh)...Derailed.
JOHNNY: I never ate LUNCH! It smells like pizza in here. I want some pizza. Man, I like pizza.

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Popularity rank 10 #44. How to rush a frat

January 26, 1997

NARRATOR: Hey kids! Despite numerous requests for a longer introduction, we begin this week with our first instructional cartoon entitled:
TITLE: How to rush a frat!

NARRATOR: Step 1: Strip yourself of all clothes, morals, personality, possessions, etc.
JOHNNY: I am now, as they say, a tabula rassa.
LABEL: Bucket filled with old morals & personality
NOTE: The Chronicle would like to note that Mason's repeated use of nudity is for artistic reasons, so you're not allowed to be offended.

NARRATOR: Step 2: Acquire NEW clothes, morals, personality, possesions, etc. from whichever frat you are rushing.
JOHNNY: Sez here I now support illegal immigration and roller hockey.
NOTE: Trivia Corner - When is the next Duke Roller Hockey event? February 1st

NARRATOR: Step 3: Consume a great deal of alcohol to get rid of pesky self-respect.
JOHNNY: Where's all the hot girls like in the commercials?
LABEL: In drunken stupor!
NOTE: We here at "Johnny" do not condone drinking at all, so don't do it. And don't do drugs. And always wear a condom. And no more than 10 items if you're in the express lane. Thanks you

NARRATOR: Step 4: Rinse and repeat as necessary.
BEN: Doesn't this seem remarkably like COMMUNISM?
JOHNNY: Yes, but step three makes is as American as apple pie and Social Security!

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