Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Comics about drinking

17 comics about this topicNewest first Most popular Oldest first

Popularity rank 6 #61. Secret Fratman powers

February 18, 1997

FRATMAN: So, no booze and no women, huh?
JOHNNY: Pretty much, Fratman.

FRATMAN: I see! Well, I'll use my SECRET FRATMAN POWERS to turn those cups of water to beer! ALPHA BETA GAMMA PHI!

FRATMAN: Now, I'll use the WHITE HAT OD JUSTICE to make your clothing and personality more like a fratboy and therefore more attractive to women!

FRATMAN: Well, how do you feel?
JOHNNY: I'm so wasted.
WILLIAM: Let's go lie to some chicks.

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Popularity rank 7 #60. Meet Fratman

February 17, 1997

JOHNNY: Well, William, I'll have to agree with ya. We can't get no women, and we can't get no alcohol. This party's just not workin' for us.

SOUND: SHAZAM!

JOHNNY: Who... who are you?

FRATMAN: I'm Fratman!
JOHNNY: I smell a storyline!
WILLIAM: I smell stale beer....

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Popularity rank 8 #44. How to rush a frat

January 26, 1997

NARRATOR: Hey kids! Despite numerous requests for a longer introduction, we begin this week with our first instructional cartoon entitled:
TITLE: How to rush a frat!

NARRATOR: Step 1: Strip yourself of all clothes, morals, personality, possessions, etc.
JOHNNY: I am now, as they say, a tabula rassa.
LABEL: Bucket filled with old morals & personality
NOTE: The Chronicle would like to note that Mason's repeated use of nudity is for artistic reasons, so you're not allowed to be offended.

NARRATOR: Step 2: Acquire NEW clothes, morals, personality, possesions, etc. from whichever frat you are rushing.
JOHNNY: Sez here I now support illegal immigration and roller hockey.
NOTE: Trivia Corner - When is the next Duke Roller Hockey event? February 1st

NARRATOR: Step 3: Consume a great deal of alcohol to get rid of pesky self-respect.
JOHNNY: Where's all the hot girls like in the commercials?
LABEL: In drunken stupor!
NOTE: We here at "Johnny" do not condone drinking at all, so don't do it. And don't do drugs. And always wear a condom. And no more than 10 items if you're in the express lane. Thanks you

NARRATOR: Step 4: Rinse and repeat as necessary.
BEN: Doesn't this seem remarkably like COMMUNISM?
JOHNNY: Yes, but step three makes is as American as apple pie and Social Security!

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Popularity rank 9 #335. Happy 21

December 15, 1998

BEN: Hey, happy birthday, buddy! YOU'RE 21, you know what THAT means!
JOHNNY: Yup.

JOHNNY: I get to vote in my 4th election!
BEN: NO! No, the OTHER thing!

JOHNNY: Oh YEAH! Now I'm only 44 years away from my full Social Security benefits!
BEN: NO! No! LOOK, you're 21!

JOHNNY: SO... you mean... if I were a woman, my sexual peak would be in 14 years?
BEN: NO! Aaa! You're like some big ball of RANDOM!

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Popularity rank 10 #322. Saturday night and I’m in trouble

November 26, 1998

JOHNNY: All right, it's Saturday night and I'm in trouble.

JOHNNY: It's 4:00 AM, I'm alone, I have not money, no pants, I don't know where I am, and I don't know how I got here.

A pause

JOHNNY: I wish I'd at least have been DRINKING...

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