Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Topic

Comics about how-to guides

5 comics about this topicNewest first Most popular Oldest first

Popularity rank 1 #119. How to get into Duke

August 15, 1997

How to Get Into Duke! Enjoy!

NARRATOR: Step 1: Work HARD in high school, or option TWO, go to a "respected" boarding school. Either way.
JOHNNY: Here's an exorbitant amount of money. Will you vouch for my academic integrity?
BOARDING SCHOOL DUDE: Sure.

NARRATOR: Step 2: Fill out the application, including the essays. Include big words like: "alumni donations" and "unimaginable wealth".
JOHNNY: "Legacy" is a relative term, I think...

NARRATOR: Step 3: Snap out of your drunken high school senior stupor long enough to return the reply card. Be sure to check "yes" and not "no".
JOHNNY: The postal service is fun.
NARRATOR: And that's it!

NARRATOR: Note: The opinions expressed in this cartoon are not those of the Chronicle. OR the cartoonist for that matter. Actually, we don't know where we got the durned things.
JOHNNY: This strip sponsored by the national association of wordiness.

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Popularity rank 2 #44. How to rush a frat

January 26, 1997

NARRATOR: Hey kids! Despite numerous requests for a longer introduction, we begin this week with our first instructional cartoon entitled:
TITLE: How to rush a frat!

NARRATOR: Step 1: Strip yourself of all clothes, morals, personality, possessions, etc.
JOHNNY: I am now, as they say, a tabula rassa.
LABEL: Bucket filled with old morals & personality
NOTE: The Chronicle would like to note that Mason's repeated use of nudity is for artistic reasons, so you're not allowed to be offended.

NARRATOR: Step 2: Acquire NEW clothes, morals, personality, possesions, etc. from whichever frat you are rushing.
JOHNNY: Sez here I now support illegal immigration and roller hockey.
NOTE: Trivia Corner - When is the next Duke Roller Hockey event? February 1st

NARRATOR: Step 3: Consume a great deal of alcohol to get rid of pesky self-respect.
JOHNNY: Where's all the hot girls like in the commercials?
LABEL: In drunken stupor!
NOTE: We here at "Johnny" do not condone drinking at all, so don't do it. And don't do drugs. And always wear a condom. And no more than 10 items if you're in the express lane. Thanks you

NARRATOR: Step 4: Rinse and repeat as necessary.
BEN: Doesn't this seem remarkably like COMMUNISM?
JOHNNY: Yes, but step three makes is as American as apple pie and Social Security!

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Popularity rank 3 #25. How to write a research paper

September 1, 1994

Hey Kids! This Month: An Exciting Instructional Cartoon Entitled: "How to Write a Research Paper!" Starring

Johnny!

NARRATOR: Step 1: Picking a Topic. This can be accomplished with the help of a teacher or librarian, or you can try to come up with one on your own.
ENGLISH TEACHER: Im afriad, John, that O.J. Simpson is just not considered a contemporary American writer.
JOHNNY: Shoot, man.
LABEL: Johnny's lovable new catchphrase.
Johnny holds a book, "I Want to Tell You".

NARRATOR: Step 2: Research. Libraries can yield a wealth of information, but in our modern times, be careful not to overlook other media.
VIDEO PALACE EMPLOYEE: I don't believe any Langston Hughes books have been made into movies, sir.
JOHNNY: Check on Jack Kerouac...

NARRATOR: Step 3: Take a Deep Breath. On to Step 4: Formulating a Thesis. Run your thesis by your teacher before you begin to write!
JOHNNY: From reading the various writings of contemporary writer Langston Hughes, one may or may not assume that through his writings Hughes was able to write in such a manner that one could infer the writer writing the writings was contemporary writer Langston Hughes.

NARRATOR: Step 5: The Finished Product!
ENGLISH TEACHER: These are just blank pages!
JOHNNY: Oh really? Dang faulty printer...
EXTRA: Punctuation Corner: How many colons are in this cartoon? Answer: 8

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Popularity rank 4 #19. How to solve algebra problems

March 15, 1994

The All NEW (Occasionally Sans Title) Adventures of

Johnny, the Mediocre Sophomore

Cut out & save!

NARRATOR: STEP 1: Stare at the problem for 5-10 minutes. Try to look like you're thinking hard, but don't actually think or your brain may explode. (Really. I've seen it happen. Very messy.)

NARRATOR: STEP 2: Cross out all the letters in the problem. They will only confuse you and, even worse, could lead to THINKING. (See Step 1)

NARRATOR: STEP 3: Add all remaining numbers together. Remember to use a calculator to avoid thinking. (Use the biggest one you can find. Remember, the bigger the calculator, the higher the grade.)
JOHNNY: So how do you turn it on?

NARRATOR: STEP 4: Go to the clinic until math class is over. Well, that's it, kids! Have fun and HAPPY ALGEBRATING!
JOHNNY: I'm dying. Look, my tongue is blue.
NURSE: Oh, I didn't realize Blow Pops were fatal.

1 view Like

Popularity rank 5 #163. Halloween tips

October 30, 1997

JOHNNY: Be SAFE this Halloween, for costumes, use FAKE knives instead of real ones.
LABEL: Drinky-Drink Kid
LABEL: BUCK NAKED

JOHNNY: ... or else this'll happen.
BEN: YOU CUT MY ARM OFF! AAUGH!
SOUND: slash

JOHNNY: Oh, I'm sorry, HERE, have an apple.
BEN: OK.

JOHNNY: ... and check apples for razor blades.
BEN: AAUUGH

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