Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Storyline

Johnny for DSG

Fed up with student government elections, Johnny runs as a write-in candidate with one issue: having no issues.

4 comicsFrom the beginning Most popular

#70. Election time again

March 3, 1997

NARRATOR: Election time, again.
DSG GUY: Hey! Hold up!

DSG GUY: Will you vote for Matt Elbe for DSG Vice President of Cramped Housing? Um, he's dedicated, hard working, wears boxers, and never loses his keys.
JOHNNY: Uh, sure.

DSG GUY: Cool! How 'bout wearing a pin that says: "'Elbe' there for you"?
JOHNNY: Nah. Thanks but I think I'll...

JOHNNY: AUGH! THAT HURTS!
DSG GUY: Yeah, they stay better if you break skin...

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#71. Decided to run as a write-in

March 4, 1997

JOHNNY: These DSG ELECTIONS are pissing me off. So, I've decided to run as a write-in candidate.

BEN: Impressive. What are your issues?
JOHNNY: No issues.

BEN: No ISSUES? You gotta have ISSUES.
JOHNNY: Well, then I have one ISSUES, and it's that I have NO ISSUES.

BEN: Some people may take ISSUE with that.
JOHNNY: Where's my swimsuit issue?

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#72. What the Chronicle didn’t print

March 5, 1997

HEADLINE: Johnny B. Goode enough? Probably not
SUBHEAD: Candidate lacks drive, talent, and interest, overall, though, a fun guy

NARRATOR: What the Chronicle didn't print.

ARTICLE: … however, no formal charges were pressed.
"And I'll never buy cheap spaghetti again," he said.
Although never formally trained, Williams works as a professional belly dancer at several local Durham night spots through the University's work-study program.
As for academics, Johnny is still as of yet undecided major-wise, although Public Policy and Sociology sound appealing.
"Any field where I can successfully slack off and yet make money is what I'm looking for," said he, "and Public Policy sounds right up my alley. I mean, I love to pander, and I'm blindly idealistic."
Williams also dabbles in the …

ARTICLE: … despite "repeated warnings".
"All I'm saying," he said, "is that dogs shouldn't be allowed in the circus. It's a moral thing."
The operation involved seventy-two stitches, but Johnny insisted on no anesthesia.
At this point in the interview, Williams revealed that he had been lying much of the time. We found this engaging.
As for the rerelease of Star Wars, Johnny described the first film as "a delightful feast for the senses" and "an enchanting romp". Williams also used the words "fine holiday fun", but we refused to print them... DAMN! How did he do that? We really …

PHOTO: Johnny's portrait.
CAPTION: Vincent Del Negro/Glamour Shots. Johnny Williams

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#73. Handling the loss well

March 6, 1997

BEN: You're handling the loss pretty well there, Mister Write-in...

JOHNNY: Yeah, well, Ben, the people have spoken. I see it as a mandate.

BEN: A mandate? A mandate for what?

JOHNNY: For me to do even less.
BEN: Mmm, always the go-getter. Well, a concise resume is important.

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