Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny the Mediocre Human

Comics from Duke in the '90s

Johnny

302 comics feature this characterNewest first Most popular Oldest first

Popularity rank 41 #295. Off-planet parties

October 20, 1998

FRATMAN: Johnny, on-campus parties present too many RESTRICTIONS, off-campus parties attract POLICE and CRIME.*
NOTE: * In that order.

FRATMAN: The answer? OFF-PLANET PARTIES! The IFC bought acres of land on Mars, and it's prime for DANCING! TO THE FRATWING!
LABEL: The Frat Laser Pointer

BEN: Doesn't it take almost a year to fly to Mars?
JOHNNY: BEN! SHH!

FRATMAN: Not in cartoon time, Ben. It's like dog years.
JOHNNY: See? Never question Fratman!

1 view Like

Popularity rank 42 #294. Dry on-campus parties vs. off-campus drinking

October 19, 1998

BEN: It's like birds and bees, or "ER" and "Chicago Hope"...
JOHNNY: Quiet, you two! There're more important things than comparitive horniness!

JOHNNY: For example: FREE BEER! As an underage drinker, I'm torn* between lame, "dry" on-campus parties and the dangers of off-campus drinking!
NOTE: * Pun INTENDED! Woohoo! Yeah!

JOHNNY: If only someone could help me...
BEN: MMM, wonder who?
SOUND: sniff

JOHNNY: FRATMAN!
FRATMAN: Hi, kids!
BEN: I'll call you after this storyline blows over....

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Popularity rank 43 #285. Which bench?

October 6, 1998

BEN: Where'd you wanna eat? THAT bench?
JOHNNY: NO! No, I made an ass of myself at their party last weekend.

BEN: OK, THAT bench.
JOHNNY: NO, I rushed there freshman year.It'd be weird vibes.

BEN: FINE! THAT one.
JOHNNY: Well, I don't support their stance on "The Matrix". Plus they play too much Dave Matthews, I...

BEN: Then pick a nondenominational bench!
JOHNNY: NOW, what kind of statement would THAT make?

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Popularity rank 44 #284. Cats

October 5, 1998

A pause.

A pause.

A pause.

JOHNNY: Ever seen The Birds?
BEN: No, but I saw Cats. The worst thing they'll do is start reciting T.S. Eliot.

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Popularity rank 45 #283. Credits

October 2, 1998

BEN: WE MADE IT! We're at Ryan's door, this wretched journey is over.
JOHNNY: I now realize the horror of war and stuff.

BEN: Ryan?
MATT DAMON: Yes?
BEN: Congratulations, you're out of orgo, son.
MATT DAMON: Oh! COOL, thanks.

CREDITS: "Johnny and Ben Save Private Ryan" - A Porter Mason Film. Cast - Captain Miller: Ben Romero; Private Reiben: John Williams; Private Ryan: Matt Damon; Pika Bench: Pika Bench. Best Boy Grip - Monica Lewinsky. Lighting - God. Lead Singer of Weezer - Rivers Cuomo.

BEN: "COOL, THANKS"?! That's IT?! In a weird, abstract way I almost DIED for you, MAN!!
JOHNNY: I bet that Damon won't come to the cast party, either. Pretty boy...

1 view Like

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