Comics and posts about STU the Computer | Johnny the Mediocre Human

STU and blackmail

STU: Johnny! How are you? You have new mail! How about some solitaire? JOHNNY: Mmm... STU: Long day? JOHNNY: Mmm... STU: Long week? JOHNNY: Mmm... STU: I could also call up swimsuit.photos.com/nude/ again? I saved that password... JOHNNY: I thought we deleted all record of that afternoon?! STU: I know you dd! I've got three gigs of the D: drive devoted just to blackmail!

Jokes about beer

GOD: It's ALL been you, Johnny. Ben, your roommate, who values nonconformity as much as you do conformity. Jen, the girl you want and everyone else seems to have. GOD: Jay, who put words to your unspoken relationship troubles. Even STU, the computer, was a manifestation of your struggles to balance innocence with knowledge. JOHNNY: So explain Fratman and Sorority Girl. GOD: Look, people just like jokes about beer and hooking up, don't over-analyze things.

Wish it would go away

JOHNNY: This Disney stuff is CRAP! It's ruined my strip! I WISH IT'D ALL JUST GO AWAY! SOUND: WOOSH A pause JOHNNY: And I wish I had a million dollars. A pause JOHNNY: Damn.

New STU

JOHNNY: STU! YOU haven't changed! At least YOU'RE still here to provide your smart yet naive spin on things! STU: No, Johnny. They replaced my artificial intelligence with various Disney greeting card programs. JOHNNY: So you can't say ANYTHING funny or quaint?! STU: Not unless it involves the words: "Mulan", "Simba", or "Happy Anniversary", no... JOHNNY: No, how could THAT ever be funny? LABEL: Hey kids, it's ironic. Or IS it?

STU and morals

STU: Sir, how does one obtain MORALS? JOHNNY: Well, STU, it's partly from upbringing, but a lot of it's from instinct. STU: And would you say morality's a distinctively HUMAN quality? JOHNNY: Oh, I'd say so. STU: So, as a COMPUTER, I could really have no concept of "right" or "wrong". JOHNNY: No, I guess not. STU: And would you sign a written statement to that effect? JOHNNY: WHAT? Why- are these NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES? BAD STU!! BAD STU!! SOUND: sniff

Investor on the phone

JOHNNY: STU! It's an INVESTOR on the phone! He wants to know exactly what e-WebNET.com DOES! STU: HEAVENS! He's calling our bluff! Go to Plan "A": CONFUSE THEM! JOHNNY: Um, yes, WELL... uh, JAVA, and... ah, you know, um, PARALLEL PROCESSING... uh, INTEGRATED network based, uh, PAPERLESS OFFICE... and, uh, DVD! JOHNNY: It's not working! He knew what DVD stood for! STU: A net company's worst nightmare: AN INFORMED LAYMAN! Quickly! Start speaking in "1"'s and "0"'s!

Johnny’s a CEO

STU: Sir, I'll be happy to run e-WebNET.com behind the scenes, but we'll need some humans to publicly represent us. STU: Do YOU have any business experience? JOHNNY: UM, I got a "C" in ECON 51. STU: Congrats, you're the new CEO. JOHNNY: Hey, I FAILED ethics, can I be our LEGAL representation too? SOUND: sniff

e-WebNET.com

STU: Johnny, sir, I don't think I've been pulling my weight around here financially. STU: So, in my spare time last week, I created an Internet-based company: e-WebNET.com STU: We've attracted a lot of interest, even though we've yet to provide any service or produce any product, and as of 8:00 AM today... STU: We went public. JOHNNY: WELL... this oughtta look good on the resume.

Scheduling program

JEN: Try reducing the allotted lunch time by 15 minutes. BEN: Whatcha got STU doin', Jen? STU: Yes, Mrs. Sir... JEN: I'm running a scheduling program to find the optimum usage of my time... JEN: I've narrowed it down to the ten most efficient. BEN: Jen, none of these have time scheduled for sleep! JEN: Oh, no, I cut out sleep and non-exercise-based fun in the first round.

Message from William

STU: New message, Johnny, from William Stanley. SOUND: sniff JOHNNY: OH! Our old roommate! Your owner! The CPS major who's in the "Duke in Cyberspace" program and exists now only as a series of digital bits! Why's it taking so long? NOTE: Expository panel STU: He attached his entire soul and being as a file. JOHNNY: Oh. WOW. SOUND: sniff sniff JOHNNY: He could've just sent a quick "hello"... STU: I hope his soul converts to Word...